She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
