Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
