Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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