i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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