i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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