can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
