I wish I could punch you in the face.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
