woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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