I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
