stop calling my apartment porn island.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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