I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
