Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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