we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
