You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
