dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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