can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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