If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
