I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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