I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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