I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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