According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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