I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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