the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
