my phone needs a breathalizer
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
