how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
