I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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