finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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