Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
