Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
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Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
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I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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