Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I love having hate sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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