She's JV to your varsity
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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