She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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