No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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