The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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