I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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