My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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