I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
