the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
