Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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