i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
