I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
