i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
