M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
