mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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