Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
