just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
