It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
