I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
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Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
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Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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