his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
