my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
