I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
