Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
