Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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