You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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